October 2nd, 2009.

Nothing changed. It didn’t become awkward after that conversation in April, but nothing advanced. We were still hanging out, whether it was alone at the car park of our local fast food restaurant, or all together at the local car wash with his friends that would become my friends also. Then, we would go to a club all together on a Saturday night. We were spending so much time together, almost daily, that my mind was developing all sorts of stories, mainly beginning with ‘what if.’ He was becoming such a close friend. I was afraid I was heading straight for the friend zone. I believe I gave a good balance of both the girl he should be with, and his best friend. But, I had no idea where I was supposed to stand.

October 17th, 2009.

She was the underwear to my arse, the salt to my vinegar, the Thelma to my Louise. We were friends from the age of about 13, and drifted a part a few times throughout our friendship.
Her methods of approaching and handling certain situations were interesting and questionable. She was very manipulative, and basically in the simplest terms, a bitch. She was very selfish, yet did things for others only to boost her own ego. Those actions made her look warm and loving. I was also a victim of her dirty ways, but I never had the heart to call her a bad friend. Nevertheless, I could see right through her, and as history shows when it comes to this girl, I am the only one that can see black when the rest see white.
She had just broken up with her boyfriend of all up, 6 years. I say ‘all up’ because they broke up a few times in between.
Few weeks earlier we got talking again, her and I. By that point, I was her closest mate again, because you know, she changed and recycled her friends with every menstrual cycle. She came to me crying and venting out all her emotions about the break up. I told her that tonight she would forget everything; that I would arrange someone to pick her up and we’d go out with him and his group. I had told her about whatever was going on between him and me, and plus, they knew each other before, so it wouldn’t have been too awkward for her to come along. All her troubles would disappear even for just the evening. I was such a good friend to her.
We got to the club and I was already drunk from the event I was at before. I knew I needed the confidence to approach him more flirtatiously, so that was the only way I knew how. Drunk. It was almost a part two of the events of April. I was emotionally telling him how I felt and any other girl he was getting close to, I would question. What was I becoming? At some points throughout the night, I even saw her and him talking. But, she wouldn’t dare, so why worry? She was a good friend and knew exactly how I felt. She was all about the fight for him for me.

November 29th, 2009

Something wasn’t right. Previous evidence showed me how close he and she were getting. Instead of me going to the local fast food car parks with him, it was her in the car with him already. I would be heading there with his other mates instead. He stopped asking if I wanted him to pick me up.
The way she spoke about him, made me wonder if she actually started to develop feelings for him. Like the time I asked if she wanted to see a certain movie that was coming out. She would say, no, ‘not without him.’ I played it cool the entire time. In this scenario, I told her to find out when he was free so we could go.
It was becoming disgustingly obvious to the point where I didn’t think they were even hiding it anymore. My heart was in my throat. I was scared. Had the game begun?

December 5th, 2009.

We were going out again, but this time I was picking her up and bringing her back to my house. We would be picked up by one of his friends later on. My cousin was coming along too. I asked my cousin to play a little experiment game with me. I told her to make up a fake situation where her friend was all of a sudden seeing and hooking up with the guy that she really liked. I told my cousin to pretend that we were talking about the story on the way to pick her up, and to continue the story when she was in the car with us. So, my cousin continued the story, and my so-called friend enquired about the situation as we drove back to my house. She expressed her disgust in the fact that my cousin’s friend would betray her in such a way. What a conniving little liar. But, there was still no solid proof of how she felt for him. So, I was forced to give her the benefit of the doubt.
That night in particular, we all decided to sleep at one of the boys’ houses since his parents were away. When it came to deciding who was sleeping where, he and she decided the double bed in the back room. They both sat on the bed and claimed it at the same time. I laughed and said to them, ‘okay guys, goodnight,’ and slammed the door on them. I slept on the couch on my own that night. Why did I not grow some balls to walk up to that door, and tell her to fuck off? She’s a tiny girl, very short and thin. I could have just stormed in there and grabbed her fake hair and ripped off those fake nails. I should have rubbed her fake, caked up face all over the sheets so he could see how fake she was. But I didn’t. I laid down on the couch, doing my own head in, all by myself.

December 12th, 2009.

I called her because I wanted to tell her about a guy I was talking to; a different guy; again, another experiment. She was happy to hear I was moving on from him, but I did tell her, I still really liked him. Before this day, I was constantly being told by others that they were hooking up, and seeing each other all the time behind my back. Rumours were getting out of control about them, so I had to confront her. I told her, ‘listen, everybody keeps telling me that you and he are hooking up, and I keep telling everybody, there’s no way you would do that to me.’ She replied with, ‘I know, and even if we were hooking up, even if you weren’t in the picture, it’s nobodies business.’ Sly. So fucking sly.
We would later see each other at the club that night, but she was very stand-off-ish. She was constantly giving me the cold shoulder. Her ex boyfriend was there. I was drunk again. I told her, ‘if he touches you, you tell me, I’ll protect you,’ only for her to shoo me off.
He was there too. He told me he wanted to talk to me. I was too drunk for what sounded like a serious conversation, and I needed to go to the bathroom. I was sitting on the toilet seat, punching the walls and getting angry, yelling that I wanted to sleep, while my friends were trying to nurse me. A friend who attended that night, came to the conclusion that my drink was spiked. I went back out only for him to try and comfort me. He would give me water and rub my back, constantly making sure I was okay. Again, he told me he needed to tell me something and that he was waiting until I was in a good mood to tell me. Despite my state, all I could think of was that he was finally going to tell me that he wanted to be with me. I finally had the guy I didn’t stop fighting for. But next thing I knew, I was at the back of a car going home and ended up sleeping in my friends bed.

December 25th, 2009.

After spending Christmas with family, the plan was to go with my best friends and a few others to a club that he was going to be at also. I saw him, I saw her, I saw the rest of the gang and said hello to all of them. She arrived with him, I discovered. I could feel my ears burning. I was the talk of the town among the friends and family that made it out that night. I could tell they were talking about me, by the way they looked at me when they were leaning over to talk to someone else.
I finally had him alone. We went as far as possible from all the people we knew and had a chat. This is basically what he said. ‘I’ve wanted to tell you for so long. I wanted to tell you the other night, but you got spiked and went home so I didn’t get to. I know that you know what’s going on. You’re very smart. I’ve never doubted how smart you are. But…’ He hesitated for as long as he could, to the point where it almost looked like he was going to cry. He kept looking at me, looking away and then looking at me again. Eventually he continued, ‘Her and I have been hooking up. We’ve hooked up a few times. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve to be hurt and I hurt you. I’m so shit. But I love you so much, you don’t understand. I am so sorry.’
I had no words. What was I supposed to say? I was the one who had all the hope in the world and my limitation was space. I was the one who thought eventually, with a little push, he’d come my way. I was the one now all alone in the situation. This very moment made me think I had lost him. But, he’s saying ‘I love you.’ What a head fuck.
From this day forward, she and I didn’t say a word to each other. I gave her a look of disgust as I was leaving the club, only to find that she had been crying. What a mess he had caused.

December 26th, 2009.

Thankfully, my close friend at the time was also one of my managers at work. So, when I ran to the back and dropped to my knees in absolute hysterics, she was there to comfort me. She too, had no words. This could almost be a drama series. I was hurt. Really, really hurt.
I went to the bathroom to wash my face. I decided to check my phone since I was near my locker. She had messaged me. It went something like, ‘Hi. Please believe that we have wanted to tell you for a long time. We didn’t plan this. It just happened. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help but like him. We have hooked up, but that’s it. I’m sorry.’ I believe what she was trying to say was that she was just sorry that I knew the truth. She wasn’t sorry for her actions. Since when did she ever take responsibility for something evil she has done? This was her typical behaviour. This was her typical apology. It was never a sorry to have hurt someone and promises to fix it. It was sorry that ‘you know now’ and ‘sorry I won’t stop.’ I replied with, ‘you’ve hurt me and you’re not sorry that you’ve hurt me. Please, just don’t talk to me.’

to be continued…