February 11th, 2010.
At this stage, we were still nothing. We were just a boy and a girl hooking up. Well, I was the girl with the same false, high hopes, and he was the guy that still kept me there for a just-in-case scenario. Well, they were the vibes I was getting. We hung out a lot, still, despite the events from the months before. We would meet outside fast food restaurants again and hung out for hours, laughing and talking about anything; alone, and with the other mates. It was still the same friendship/relationship, whatever it was.
There were these awkward moments where she was there too. But, I had the upper hand. Everybody was on my side. Everybody wanted to see him with me. Unfortunately for him, having the two girls in the one place at the same time, meant satisfying the both of us by hanging a little bit with one, and then a little bit with the other. I was confident though, because even his family were hanging out and joking more with me, and that made me believe I was going to win this game. Pathetic, right?
April 8th, 2010.
It was my 21st birthday party, and he arrived with a Swarovski bag again. He later told me, to take note of the colours he chose in my gift. It made me so happy that he came. It made me so happy that he got me something that was going to be meaningful. It made me so happy that I got to kiss him, after walking him down the road to his car. It was all just so perfect.
April 9th, 2010.
He got me a necklace that had one big, black crucifix and one little purple one. He knew my favourite colour, but what was the black referring to? I texted him to say thank you, and asked what was the other message I was supposed to get from the gift. He revealed that his favourite colour was black. So, he basically got me a necklace to remember him. A combination of our favourite colours around my neck was supposed to resemble what? This was a case of actions not speaking louder than words, because what he wanted with me was still not clear.
May 28th, 2010.
We were still meeting up at the same clubs, but the difference was that he was bringing her in with him. Though they came together in the same group, he never made me feel second best to her. He still made a lot of effort to have a drink with me, to have a chat with me, and to just be around me. Talk about mixed messages.
One of the conversations we had got a little heated. It got to a point, and I regretted this later, where I was selling myself to him. Like I was a one-off, one of a kind piece he had to get before it sold to someone who wanted it more. I ultimately was selling the fact that I was better than her. But, it was like he was finally fed up by the whole love triangle situation. He yelled through the loud thuds of the bassline, ‘I know you’re better than her.’ I looked at him trying not to cry in such a public place, but my eyes were becoming crystallised. Again, he was doing that thing where he would look at me, and then look away and then look at me again. Eventually, after a little bit of silence from the both of us, he shouted words that I wished would hide behind the loud music, ‘I wish I could just go back to the days when it was just me with my mates. I wish I didn’t have any of this bullshit.’ Those comments didn’t make me feel like I was first or second best. At the same time I was thinking, well, you caused all this bullshit, sweetheart.
September 26th, 2010.
I used the time he was overseas to get over him. He was giving me nothing. I had to stop this fight and admit defeat. But, he came back and told me he had to see me. He also told me he had something to give me. How am I supposed to give up on him if he keeps coming to me?
He came to my house that day and we sat outside on the brick fence. He handed over, yet again a Swarovski bag. He would reveal, ‘You have no idea what I went through to get this. I wasn’t leaving Austria until I went back to Swarovski to get this, you don’t understand. But, I know how you love wearing those beret’s, so it’s something for you to put on there.’ It was a treble clef pin. Again, another very meaningful gift and effort that does not narrow down which direction I should be going in.
November 13th, 2010.
She and I were still not talking. I was definitely not making the effort to mend things. I didn’t want to. She was always such a toxic person in my life, and I was better off without her in it. Even though his family and friends were now getting closer to her, I still went up to them and said hello, ignoring her completely. There was no need to say hello to her. She didn’t deserve my friendship, nor did she deserve the satisfaction of me acknowledging her presence. But, I know what you’re thinking. I was still acknowledging his.
He and I left to the downstairs room of the club. This conversation was to be the deep and meaningful of all deep and meaningful’s. It was also the beginning of the end. We weren’t physically alone as we mounted our position at the end of a very busy bar. We weren’t ordering drinks. It was there that we found the perfect time to completely explain where we stood. Though surrounded by a lot of people, this conversation made us disappear into all the emotions that were coming out.
I told him I still wanted him. With a distressed look, I asked him, ‘what do you want from me?’ He revealed, ‘I want you to move on. Find someone else. Find someone better. You’ve been hurt, and you don’t deserve it.’ I asked, ‘and her?’ He said, ‘she can too. I’m over all this.’ We were there for hours. I was crying so hard that a friend noticed on the other side of the bar, and waved a gesture to say ‘are you okay? Do you want me to come there?’ I shook my head without him seeing. I didn’t care for make up. All my emotions were written on my face, with the mascara running and the smudged layer of foundation. He gave me one last hug, literally the last hug, and we went back to our group of friends. For me, I stopped by the bathroom first, looked in the mirror and thought, that’s got to be it.
December 22nd, 2010
Lucky for me, I had and still have a strong will power to say ‘no’ when I finally realise something is poison for me. I was able to stop relying on his presence in my life and to stop going on the way I was; as a dumb girl fighting for someone’s heart, though they were never really willing to give it up for me. I revived the friendships I would have lost if I didn’t stop. I am undeservingly lucky that those friends stuck by me, despite my reluctance to listen to their advice about how my behaviour was making me look, how my behaviour would have made absent the amazing relationships I have now, and how I should be giving a life time of thank you and sorry to those friends who were so patient with me. From that last conversation with him onward, I was back hanging out with my true friends all the time. Not his. I was helping myself move on completely by being happy for him and her no matter what they did with their lives, and avoiding spending any time with anybody who was a reminder of them. I avoided any contact with either of them unless necessary, like a Christmas message and so on.
December 27th, 2010.
I had a friend tell me, ‘I saw him kissing some girl at the club last week. It wasn’t her though. It was someone else. I gave him such a dirty look.’ This friend didn’t know that we finally ‘ended things’, so to speak. I said in reply to her gossip, ‘I actually don’t care. We had a long conversation about where I stood and where he stood, and it kind of just ended. You have no idea how relieving this is. Almost two years of unnecessary drama and stress for someone who, well, was just never that into me. And, I’m so cool with that. I’ll say hello or whatever, because that’s the sort of person I am. I don’t hold grudges, nor do I steep to the low of others, but he’s a mate, and that’s it. Good kid, but not for me.’ She said in return, ‘oh wow, you go girl. You’ve come out strong. I don’t know if I would be able to do that.’ I gave her a triumphant smile.
That was the first time I said it all out loud, and it made me realise how I wasn’t lying to myself. I really was on the road to recovery. He was swiftly disappearing from my mind and heart. I was realising that my experiences with him made me such a better person in return. This sort of situation could have had an opposite affect if I let it, but I didn’t. I didn’t get the guy, but I got me back and with that, it was a stronger, more confident and wiser me.
January 8th, 2011.
I had seen her at a restaurant with one of his family members, on the day of her birthday that week. As I walked passed her, I stopped to say happy birthday and she happily said thank you in return. The look on her face almost resembled a look of relief at the fact that I had finally acknowledged her presence. This was something I was never used to, because I knew her as the girl who stepped all over others. I had never seen her ‘weak’. Regardless, I just don’t have it in my heart to have tension and hate. There is no point. It doesn’t make anything better. So, the least I could do was wish her a lovely birthday.
This was one of the last nights I went out to the same club as him and her. By now, it was official. They were on the road to a blossoming love with each other. They deserved each other. I didn’t know that before this night, though.
She came up to me out of the blue to say thank you for my Happy Birthday message to her. She wanted to talk some more, so we made our way to one of the corners of the club, and underneath the loud base and roaring crowd we reconciled our differences. This moment was about to be the moment where I realised that he was finally out of my head for good. She said, ‘listen, I just want to talk so we can find out what each other’s thoughts are on the matter, and so we can just move on and end everything on good terms.’ I had to let her know for once and for all that I was over it, and him. That she could have him. I stressed that, ‘it doesn’t faze me anymore and I really don’t like him that much in that way anymore. He’s a good kid, but I drifted apart from that entire group so I can save myself. It’s obvious that I’m not it and I’m okay with that. And you know when I really realised this? When a friend of mine came up to me last month and said she saw him hook up with some girl. When she told me that, I didn’t even react like I would a year ago. I said to her I really don’t care anymore and I laughed.’ She questioned this bit of news. ‘What do you mean he hooked up with another girl? When?’ She was very concerned. I thought to myself, damn it, I didn’t want to cause any issues. I was just explaining how that made me feel. I didn’t realise, nor did I know how serious and deep into it they were, until the reaction I got from that bit of information. From there, she continued to explain where they were at with their relationship. She told me that they were ‘seeing’ each other, but that he wasn’t really clear about where they were going. That sounded familiar, and I would actually feel sorry for her if he ended up doing the same he did to me, to her. I told her briefly what was going on with him and I, past and present. I mentioned the gifts he got me and how much that played with my emotions. She told me that she too got a very beautiful gift from him when he returned from overseas. Our talk went on for an hour. I had so many friends ask me ‘what the fuck was that?’ I laughed at their reactions and told them, ‘relax guys, it’s all good.’
I spoke to him that night too, but it came to my attention that the bit of gossip I revealed to her, caused a little argument between them. I didn’t know this was happening until I saw him frown and lean against the wall, not being a part of the celebrations. I went up to him and asked what was wrong. He explained that he wasn’t happy that I told her what I knew. That he had kissed another girl that wasn’t me, or her. I said to him, ‘okay, firstly, I don’t know what is going on between you and how serious you guys actually are. You can’t blame me.’ I explained that the story was in accordance to how it made me feel. I told him, ‘I wanted her to know, for her benefit of knowing that I was done with you.’ He wanted nothing to do with me, and though I wish it could have ended in good terms with him too, I never spoke to him again from that day. Considering all the drama’s he had caused, I was better off without him.
And here we are now.
He did send me one more birthday message that year, which made me believe we could still be friends, whilst they were officially an item. She messaged me Happy Birthday that year too. It would be the last from either of them. That chapter was done. It didn’t matter, because not only had I moved on, but a new chapter in my life was beginning that same year, which consisted of a new man, who was actually willing to give me and only me the attention I deserved.
I no longer speak to the now, Mr and Mrs, but that was not my decision. I do not know why I get the silent treatment, when I was the one being mistreated. Each to their own as they say. It doesn’t even bother me, because in the end, I did win. I am happily in love with my tall, blonde, blue eyed, superhero. It’s been 4 years. This was the best outcome for me.
Why I felt I needed to tell you this story? The main reason no names were used in this story is because, the names are not relevant when it comes to the message and your relation to this type of scenario in one way or another. It is the principle and the moral of this story that matters. What I am trying to convey is, we are all ‘dumb’ at one point or another in our lives, but believe that you become wiser from it. So, love and laugh at those dumb moments. The best lessons are learnt when you are vulnerable. You learn who is toxic and who’s worth your time, and guess what? You must go through the worst experiences, to appreciate the good ones when they come along. Because they do come along. It is then when you realise what is actually good for you. Everything happens for a reason and I am a firm believer of that. It wasn’t supposed to work out, because I was being led to something greater. It doesn’t have to be a lover. It could be a friend, or family member, or sometimes even a stranger that tragically influences your life, and then goes. That hurt is real, but that hurt works to your advantage. It’s temporary. We’ve all had a unique way of being hurt, but the feeling is similar on so many levels.
Some may think that this story is a sign of my trouble of letting go of a particular period in my life, but it’s not like that at all. It’s actually the opposite. It’s a sign of how much I’ve grown. Let me put it into perspective for you. Unless you’ve actually hurt, and I mean actually hurt, you won’t understand the true meaning of this story. It’s not the people that hurt us that stay with us. It’s the lesson we were being taught all along that stays with us. That is what you must take on board. So, welcome those beautiful accidental and hurtful gifts. God throws obstacles to see if you are capable of reaching the finishing line. You will then find that it wasn’t an accident at all. Never give up on hope, and never think you’re actually dumb. We grow and we learn everyday. Trust your instincts. Be brave. Above all, give up your heart no matter how many times you hurt at first, because when your true purpose comes along, your heart is not only returned, but your true purpose will fill it with its own heart.
I dedicate this story to those who influenced it. For those friends who gave me a shoulder to lean on, who show me true friendship, thank you. For the friends who were patient and gave me the tough love I deserved, whose true colours shine all the time, not only when shit hits the fan, thank you. To the people who hurt me, you made me stronger, thank you. And to my love, though you have had to put up with the residue of that hurt in the beginning, you help me be better every day, thank you.