October 9^th, 2005.

For four days we hardly spoke. A ‘hi’ here, and a ‘how was your day’ there. It was all because it was leading to this day.
He broke up with me. He broke up with me over MSN. He claimed that he had been thinking about it a lot lately and that he actually didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. I cried so hard my mum noticed. She knew I was with someone, so I told her he broke up with me. She almost laughed as she vacuumed, and told me to get over it. I was angry at her then, but now I would laugh, too.
I ran out the door, wearing a hoody to easily conceal my face and walked to my best friend’s house balling my eyes out.
I had changed my MSN name that night back to just my own, with a sad heartbreak themed quote, and he noticed. He asked me what happened, and I told him everything.
‘He doesn’t know how to treat women like you. You’re better off.’
He knew what to say.

November 17^th, 2005.

We chatted a lot. We became really close. We told each other everything. And the worst bit, we had never actually met. It would be hard to do so, though. He lived almost two hours away and we weren’t the legal age for a license yet. I stopped getting the feeling that he was into me and was glad we could just be friends. We shared a lot of secrets and spoke about our families and hardships. He told me once that I was the one that helped him ‘pull through.’
He had been through a lot. His mum had left his family for another man in another country, and he fought with his younger sister frequently to the point where she would hit him and he would hit her back. His dad had no hope in him and constantly brought him down as though he wasn’t down enough, and only his relationship with his older sister and her boyfriend was what worked for his home life. He would also consider suicide.
He had a lot of friends, though. Everybody loved him. What’s not to love? He was a big teddy bear with plenty of humour; he was loyal, trustworthy and cared so much for every one of his closest and dearest. Oh, he made me laugh. His taste in music was also a massive bonus to our friendship. He sent me all the best and latest R&B and Hip-Hop songs every time he got something new, because he knew how much I loved it too. I wish it just stayed like that. Sometimes when I look back, I think, had it remained that way, I can only imagine the amazing friend I would still have today and one I know my current partner would adore just as much.

June 24^th, 2006.

We jumped online and spoke about a girl that he started talking to. They met through friends and she seemed really keen on him. I felt jealous. I didn’t know why. I never pictured myself with this guy, but I guess this is where my territorial instincts kicked in for the first time. He was mine, regardless if he was never actually going to be mine.
He told me about how they spoke every day. I asked him to send me a picture of her. He sent a picture of her in a selfie pose. She wasn’t the most attractive girl going around, but the way I saw it, it was a good choice for him. She looked serious in this picture. She was also on the chubby side, with a big round face, what looked like smooth pale skin, pretty hazel eyes and her non-smiling lips were as thick as mine. Being the good friend I was, I encouraged him to meet her and see how things would go.
He said to me, ‘to be honest, I still would rather be with you,’ Great, I thought. He still likes me. After a year of nothing and calling him my mate, is he still seriously into me?
‘I don’t know if it’s ever going to work, man. And this girl is genuinely into you. Go for it!’ I tried to explain.
‘Nah, I’m saying if I had to choose I would rather you over her. I’m over you. I know it wouldn’t work.’ I know he was just playing it cool. He didn’t mean those words. Feeling a little shut down however, I went on and encouraged him further. With my permission he went on to talk to her a little more and me a little less.

July 10^th, 2006.

‘So, how’s the girlfriend?’
‘She’s not my girlfriend, but I think I really like her.’
‘That’s good, man. In time she will be your girlfriend.’
‘There’s a problem though.’
‘What is it?’
‘There’s two girls I like.’
‘Oh, yeah. You never told me there was another girl. Who is she?’
‘Well, firstly there’s this one. We get along really well and we have a lot in common. She lives a little closer to me as well which helps, especially since I’m not driving yet. But, there’s the other one that I think I like more and I’ve liked the longest. She lives down your way. She’s so beautiful. I feel like she’s everything I ever wanted. But, I know she doesn’t feel the same.’
‘Who’s this other girl? You have never mentioned her before.’
‘It’s you, man!’
Feeling absolutely stupid that I didn’t put two and two together, I said, ‘Oh, I don’t know what to say.’
‘I know. It kills me, man. I just want to be with you. I think about you all the time.’
He really poured his heart out. I gave in.
I opened up another chat with another one of my good friends from high school, and asked her if she and her boyfriend would come with me to meet him on the weekend. They both agreed, so I went back to the chat with him and made the suggestion.
‘Listen, let’s meet up and see how we feel in person. I asked my friend and her boyfriend to come as well, because I don’t want to go alone on the train.’
We decided to meet half way, and he too would invite his friend and his girlfriend.

July 16^th, 2006.

On the train that cold Sunday day, I was so thankful to have my good friend with me. I would not have been able to do it alone. Her boyfriend made fun of the whole situation, but that was what he was like.
‘What if he’s really some old fat guy? What if he’s actually a thirty year old pedophile, or a murderer?’ He made a massive joke of it, but it was good. It made me feel less nervous. I knew this guy I was meeting wasn’t a mysterious creature.
To be fair, we met up at a shopping mall, which was in the middle of our two home destinations. We said we would meet in the food court. My friends and I went up the escalator. I called him. He said he was nearest to the sushi kiosk and that he was wearing his favourite puffy black winter coat. After looking around a little bit, and walking toward the sushi place, I noticed his spiked hair and the long nose. The pimples were on show too, together with his blown up cheeks. His friends were very good looking people, and I quickly noticed that those were the friends in the first photo he ever sent me. She had long, blacker than black, straight hair, with an hour glass figure. She was tiny at the waist, with plenty of hip. He was tanned with long dark hair which was styled to the side, and had a chiselled jaw. I would have rather him. I approached them, playing as cool as possible whilst wanting to run away at the same time. I didn’t want to be there. I decided there and then, I was never going to be with him.
‘Hi everybody,’ I said in a high pitched voice, mimicking Doctor Nick from the Simpsons, hoping it would mask my nervousness.
We all introduced ourselves and greeted each other with a cheek to cheek kiss. We decided we’d spend some time at the arcade.
It was obvious I didn’t want to be there and he didn’t want to push himself on me. We stayed with our respective coupled friends and did our own thing while still being semi-near each other. However, we were far enough for a private conversation.
‘You obviously aren’t interested,’ my friend said.
‘Obviously! I’m not into it, man. I’m sorry I even brought you guys here.’
‘Yeah! Fuckin’ wasting my time. Now you have to marry him,’ my mate’s boyfriend joked. It made me feel like crap, though.
How can you still be friends with someone who wants you so badly, but you are just not feeling it? He’s a top guy. I’m sure he would treat me like gold, but being unattracted to him was a huge deal.
After a few hours of playing games and avoiding each other, though he tried to flirt with me constantly while I gave him the cold shoulder, we decided we’d go back to the food court we first laid eyes on each other and have lunch. My friends went and ordered me McDonald’s, while his friend and he went and got KFC, leaving me with his friend’s girlfriend.
‘So, what do you think?’
I was dreading answering her, but I’m an honest person and I told her what’s up.
We sat on the same side of the booth, and as I looked around not wanting to make eye contact, I could feel her sharp gaze right into the temple of my head. When I did decide to give her a quick glance, it frightened me by how direct her stare was, so I’d look away again.
‘Yeah, he’s nice. I don’t know if I’d be with him, but he’s cool.’
‘It’s because he’s not hot, yeah?’ She didn’t allow me to reply. ‘You don’t have to be attracted to someone to be with them. He’s a top guy who would treat you like a princess,’ this coming from a 10 who had a 10. You could tell the way she spoke about him that she’d defend him no matter what. I felt like asking her if she would be with him had she been in my position. I don’t know why I never did. I figured I’d already know her answer considering her reaction to me saying I wouldn’t be with him was that he wasn’t ‘hot’. I’d look at her and her boyfriend and would know for sure that even though I myself wasn’t overly attractive, I could do better.
‘I know that, but I can’t really force myself to be attracted to him. I don’t want to be shallow but…’
‘You are being shallow, though. He’s a perfectly good guy. He’s one of the best guys I’ve ever known. You should give it a chance.’
It didn’t make sense to me. If you are so adamant in protecting him, why encourage someone who isn’t into your mate, to be with them? You’re setting him up to be hurt.
Thankfully, what felt like a heated conversation, was interrupted by the return of the others with the food.
While we sat and ate, I noticed I couldn’t even look him in the eye. I’d either look down at my food or somewhere in the distance, only giving him milliseconds of my attention with my brown eyes when he spoke.
Because we took public transport, we wanted to get home before the sun went down. So, after lunch and a bit more chatting, we said our byes and that we would chat on MSN. At that very moment I knew I was never going to see him again.
He texted me a few hours later asking if I was okay, and got home safe. I replied that I was home and that it was nice to meet him. Thought I’d be nice, you know?
‘So, what did you think?’
I just wanted to throw my head into a brick wall there and then. Why so much pressure?
I had given up fighting my need to be attracted to him. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I fell into the trap of wanting to do the ‘right thing’, despite being blind to possible consequences. I told him we should give it a go.

to be continued…