What an incredible, overwhelming and exciting year 2015 has been. This year started off with so many positive occasions and achievements. Not just for me, but for the people around me, also. It was full of happy staff – weddings, engagements, new babies. It was extremely welcoming. The tail end of the year had its hurdles, but when I think of how awful I felt last year, 2015 was one of my best years. With that, I’m looking at myself at a completely different way. Or at least I’m trying.

The readership on my blog is increasing. I had an unexpected response to Diary of a Dumb Girl earlier in the year. It made me so happy that I was getting such a wide reaction by so many people. I’m hoping to take Diary of a Dumb Girl further in the new year, and have some more stories on board. One of my reviews was also published on stack.net.au which was just as exciting. It was nice to have something published somewhere else other than here. My writing is getting better. My only issue is the editing process. I am the only one who reads and rereads my writing, so errors do get missed. This is mainly due to the fact that I get so used to the flow of a story, regardless of the amount of time I give myself between each edit, I still miss errors. Despite all this, my experience thickens, and my resume grows. As long as I keep writing, and writing often, I know I’m doing all I can to achieve my life time goal of becoming an entertainment journalist.

I started my new position at work in January and it’s been great. It was the change I needed. I’ve learned so much about myself as a leader and I think I still have so much more to learn. Patience is number one. The best thing is the amazing people I’ve met; so many beautiful minds, especially one by the name of Maria, whose own outlook at life has rubbed off on me. Basically, she’s taught me that there is a lot worse on this planet than what I worry about at work. Even though I still make a big deal out of things, such as how much help I get in my department, or small changes which I think are not logical, after some wise words with Maria and a hit-in-the-face conversation with one of my managers, it changed me. My manager told me to stop taking it all so personally. I never thought I was, but really, looking deeply into all the matters I stressed over at work, I was actually taking it personally. I basically care too much about everything being perfect. Even when I tell myself nothing is perfect, and to expect some things not to work, I still expect too much from myself and everybody around me, that when it feels like it doesn’t work, I feel anxious. Leading into 2016, I think I have been able to make myself take a step back, and I will take that into the rest of my time there. I tell myself constantly, the job will get done and to take it easy. Hopefully I can keep that self-talk/self-motivation up.

Speaking about my anxiety, it has showed up more than ever this year. It’s not something I have to deal with regularly, so the more consistent attacks were a shock to me. I think my attacks really started when I had my car accident in July. I was rear ended on one of Melbourne’s busiest freeways, Tullamarine Freeway. This car came out of nowhere. It was peak hour traffic. All I can remember is that he was never the car that was behind me, but he was the one that hit me. My car got fixed, so all the materialistic stuff was fine, but I was not expecting my mental state to be effected. Every time I am in peak hour traffic now, I get a little panicky. I still remember the road trip to Werribee Zoo where my partner was driving my car. The heat, the traffic; it was all too much for me. He was getting too close to the cars in front and the cars behind were just as close. I had an anxiety attack and I started to hyperventilate. All this is too familiar for my mother who was in my back seat. She has been an anxiety sufferer for ages. She was the support I needed that day. These anxiety attacks are very new, but now almost common for me. We are expecting a very hot summer here in Melbourne, and heat makes me claustrophobic. I can only imagine how often the attacks will occur.

Some of my most precious friends are getting married next year after getting engaged this year. The most exciting is the engagement of my best friends, George and Elena. They have also asked me to be their maid of honour, and so far the job has been so much fun. There will be plenty of weddings for me to attend next year, and to the huge group of old friends who shared their engagement news on Facebook, I wish them all the happiness in the world.

Then there were babies. The most important one was the birth of my fourth nephew, George in October. He’s the little piece of extra joy my family needed. We also have another baby on its way in 2016 with the announcement coming from my partner’s and my good friends, Matt and Karlee. Their wedding was this year too and it was by far one of the best I’ve been too. Their baby announcement came just on time for Christmas. We went to visit them at home, Karlee asked me to sit with my hands out and my eyes shut. She laid something in my hands, I opened my eyes, and there was a massive book of 70 thousand baby names. I switched on instantly. The moment itself meant so much to me. It confirmed the tightness of our friendship.

With good friends, come the ones that may or may not continue in the new year. I had a fight with a friend late in the year and if I told you and showed you this argument, you’ll probably laugh at how pathetic it was. Not on my end though and I’ll admit my faults when I’m wrong. This argument made me reevaluate a lot about me. Not because I think I’m a bad person, or that I’m actually doing anything wrong, but just in regards to how I approach matters. It’s my overprotective and caring nature that is somehow an issue. A bit like the new approach I will take at work, I need to take outside of work, too. It’s because I’m all about getting things done, getting the ball rolling and making sure everybody is happy, that I fall into the trap where people think I’m getting too involved, therefore making me a bad person in the eyes of those in the receiving end. I get too passionate about other peoples happiness, forgetting mine and ultimately ruining there’s with my involvement. So, I’ll try back off. I need to realise that people just need to learn from their mistakes, just as I have. I can’t keep trying to prevent people I care for from making errors, even when I know how wrong their decisions may be. I am not a hero. I am human. People just need to fuck up to learn. I’ve known this forever, but my caring nature takes hold.
In regards to this friend though, if the friendship doesn’t head into 2016, it’s no loss to me. It’s probably been a long time coming anyway. He has allowed his dick to lead the way and not his head or heart; therefore he is losing some of his truest friends. That is something he will need to deal with. I, however, have relieved myself from some waste of time. Regardless of whether I think I need to be less involved in certain matters, there’s no need to lose a mate along the way, and I’m not the one losing.

So friends, allow life to take its course. You cannot control everything. Life will unfold the way it needs to and with every loss, there is a gain.

When I look over 2015, the good definitely overweighs the bad. I’ve actually had a decent year. I’ve even lost some of the kilos I put on last year. I have so much to look forward to in 2016, including a trip to the USA with my partner for my birthday. I’m going into the new year with the people I need in my life, and I’m leaving behind the ones who are plainly useless. I’ve had a happy year overall, and I think that is what matters the most.