It was so hard getting into the new year. With the craziness of the wedding only a couple of months before, and then coming back from our honeymoon straight into the Christmas period, it was exhausting trying to adjust and find normality.
I started to bring forward old memories of always feeling left out and unworthy and unwanted. I’ve never been good enough for people and that memory was beginning to come back up to the surface for me as I feel it as an adult. I’m wanting the constant approval of certain people and neglecting those who actually do take the time out to call me, message me, and hang with me. From family members to old friendships; I keep making this mistake. They aren’t bad people. They just don’t see me in the light I see them, and it brings me down.
Mental health took a toll. And allow me to make this disclaimer here. Yes, everyone has shitty times throughout the year. It’s 12 months of your life. It’s plenty of time to go through the best times and the worst times. Shit happens! But, 2018 really was a fucker for me. I feel as though my anxiety just keeps worsening with every year since it came about at full force back in 2015. I struggled heaps with negative energies around me and still to this day I tell myself, I need to talk to someone who can help me deal with the way I react to those toxic energies. I feel like I could do better in that department. If I can’t completely remove them from my life, why not learn how to deal with them as they continue to exist? I quite literally absorb bad energies like a plant absorbs water. I soak it in and it grows me into a angry flower. Man, it sucks being an empath sometimes. Taking on other peoples energy has been a major factor to how I have been feeling this year.
Whatever overcame me even started to affect my time at the gym. As in, there was no time at the gym. Up until March, I was forcing myself there. I continued Pilates, but I told myself I would give gym a break for a short time. It’s December and I haven’t been back since. Even Pilates had to come to an abrupt stop by June due to circumstances beyond my control.
Mid year was the worst! Mum got sick. She got really bad. Until this day, I still don’t understand what happened to her. Infection this, infection that. Fluid here, fluid there. Pneumonia was thrown around, too. It was so hard for her and took a lot out of me, as well. And then the hospital sent her home with antibiotics which caused an allergic reaction. So, from her actual illness, it turned into dealing with itchiness and lack of sleep she was getting because it wouldn’t let her rest. And then depression kicked in. Anxiety took over everything. And explaining to an old ethnic woman that she’ll be fine and that it’ll pass, and anxiety is something you can definitely manage, forget about it. So, while mum was going through one of the most freighting stages in her life, it impacted mine a lot too. I’m already partially an insomniac, but during those few months, sleep didn’t exist. I had to leave work early to get home and call an ambulance. 4 times at least. I broke down a lot from the exhaustion and the stress. I never want to go through those 3 months again. Thankfully, however, she got better by her 70th birthday in September. The rash went away. The illness itself, almost disappeared. It lingers and she has other issues, such as her breathing still causing her grief, as well as a nasty cough that just doesn’t want to go away, but it hasn’t been as bad it was. Thank God.
In the middle of all that, my husband and I bought a house. I kept getting asked, ‘are you excited’, or I’m told, ‘I bet you can’t wait’. But, how can you be excited when everything around you is falling apart? This coming from people who knew what I was going through. It was insulting. I can’t be excited about a new home or anything for that matter when Mum’s practically bed ridden. No, I couldn’t say this to their face. They’re just being nice. But eventually, we painted, and renovated and we got in 3 months after we got the keys. It’s still early days, I still have plenty I want to do, and I’m sure it’ll all work out. Slowly but surely we will set the house up exactly how we want it. I’m just happy to start a life of my own. Leaving mum though, was not easy. Her company is all I’ve ever known. It’s been the two of us for so long, but I guess, your kids eventually have to go and create their future as married folks and potential parents.
With everything that was happening, my safe haven was work. You know, it’s funny. A year ago, I hated it. I hated being at work. I disliked the people I worked with. I even hated the people I was serving. But this year, with the change of management, it got better. It got heaps better. I’ve never felt like I had a family unit at work until midway this year. Even with fellow colleagues who I would never thought we’d get along, or get closer, we got tighter and closer and now I can call most of them my dear friends. But I have to shout out four incredible women, and two exceptional young men who made my work year so much better. Anna, Marina, Madeline and Zena, together with Stefan and Matt. It would have been a very different year if it wasn’t for the positive energy, common ground, and love we shared with one another. They love me for who I am, embrace me for my craziness and my weirdness, enjoy my random outbursts of choreography and power ballads, and that is all I’ve ever wanted. These friendships have been short, some as short as 3 months, and I’m sure after we leave our workplace we will be merely a memory to one another, but for now, I couldn’t be happier at work, and I owe it all to them. I also have to shout out Lauren. That hug she gave me when I broke down because of everything that was going on at home, meant a lot. I needed it.
I am really falling behind on getting to the cinema, let alone writing reviews. This year, I attended the most concerts ever compared to other years. Yet, my reviews have been just sitting in Notes on my iPhone with absolutely no intentions of getting to them any time soon. Not for any other reason other than a lack of passion and motivation. It has also been a pretty wild year. There has been no time or rest.
This year has been so 50/50. Who am I kidding? It was like 80/20. 80 was numbingly painful and the other bit was somewhat great. But one thing I got out of this year, was growth. What I was feeling at the start made so much more sense later on. Ending, I feel more relaxed and easy going. I still have a drama or two, but I am hoping it is just a phase. The number 8 definitely haunts me in a negative way, if you remember my conclusion in My 2017, but I am positive 2019 will be a banger.