There was a meme that went around toward the end of this year stating something along the lines of “the year is almost over, and I just want to say, what the fuck was that?!” I identify with this meme completely and whole-heartedly.
I honestly thought this was going to be a banger of a year. But, the voices started… again.
I watch a lot of those true crime documentaries and there’s always that recurring theme of voices in their heads that made them do it. I never comprehended how it’s possible to have voices in your head telling you to do bad things. Until the latter part of the year. Around August-ish. That’s not how the year started, but it’s all I can think of leading into the new year. It’s all I can remember. The negativity of the year has taken over my entire 2019. I can’t remember anything good happening. But, that’s because the voices in my head kept telling me how shit I was, how worthless I was, how unwanted I was, and how there is no bright side to even the most fun times 2019 was able to offer.
I had my 30th birthday. It was movie/TV show themed and it made me so happy to have everyone participate in the dress up. Though I know I had a good time, and so did my guests, it was plagued with nothing but bad thoughts. This didn’t go right, that didn’t happen on time, that didn’t go as planned, as the voices reminded me. And though on the surface I was all ‘shit happens’, deep down, I wanted to crawl into a ball, hoping it’ll just blow over.
Now, in the past I’ve mention something in my life I describe as a ‘demon’. As it’s not a story I am willing to tell as of yet, for the pure fact of my safety, this demon in my life does come in the form of a person. A narcissistic, manipulative person. A person who does so much wrong, and yet, cannot acknowledge their wrong doing. A person who at first to strangers seems caring, and loving and really interested in others’ lives, yet cannot go one conversation without pumping their chest and making it all about themselves. It’s the same person who bullied me my entire life, and the same voice I keep hearing in my head telling me I’m not good enough. And that’s been my life. Always, in every situation, I have always been so apologetic for who I am, and it’s all because I was told from a very young age, I wasn’t good enough. People don’t understand how their actions, even decades earlier, affect people in the present, and for a matter of fact, the rest of their lives. ‘Gaslighting’ is such a pathetic characteristic to have, and boy, this person instils it. Another quote that went around this year went a little like this, ‘toxic people don’t change. They change their victims…’ so bloody true!
Not sure if this is a positive thing to have happened, but after years of having bad dreams about my demon where they have dominated me, made me afraid and kept me quiet, this year I finally had more than one dream where I am telling them the truth about how I feel. I finally let it all out. I told them exactly how toxic they are. But it was just a dream, and if I dared do that in real life, I’d probably make matters worse.
I carry with me a phone number to call. It’s someone I can talk to about how I feel and how I can develop skills to better react to these types of demons. Yet, the phone number sits in my bag untouched and un-dialed. I don’t know what’s holding me back. Laziness, lack of time, finances, afraid that I might get so good at deflecting my demon that it might come back to bite me on the ass. It might be because I’ve finally said those words out loud and it made me feel better.
I said it over the phone to my best friend, Elena, in fact. Well, I didn’t just say it. I hysterically and uncontrollably sobbed and screamed and yelled and developed such a headache from expressing how I truly felt. For Elena and I, this was a pivotal moment because the two years before that day, our friendship kind of changed because of me. Because I had lost conscious of who I was/am, I wasn’t able to give my all to her, as I did previously. That included her husband and my other best friend, George. But finally letting it all out, and vise versa for her, it was like the light was lit back on. Sadly, I hid it well from my husband, though, and many others, and I apologise for that. But to George and Elena, you could have easily given up on me, but you didn’t. You have no idea how much that meant to me. It is so good to know who your true friends are.
I know that my constant miserableness has affected not just me personally, but many around me. Because of how sensitive I became, because of my mood swings, it made me drift apart from some friendships, take advantage of other friendships, and completely forget how wanted and loved I am. But, at the end, those who get me, those who are patient with me, are the ones that are still here. And as long as I keep remembering that, I should be okay.
A friend and work colleague, Zena who has been my rock when I needed it most, and my tough lover, keeps telling me, amongst other things, it’s all this baby making stuff that’s really taking a toll on me. And it has. Because it hasn’t happened quickly for me, I have been down about it. But I do ask this one thing. People need to stop putting so much pressure on women when it comes to making babies. Because you have no idea what someone is going through and why they aren’t pregnant yet. So, I have to say it, back off and stop asking, and telling me that I should be pregnant by now.
I don’t have high or low hopes for 2020. I’m so drained by the last 2 years that I’m starting to get numb. I’m always tired. I’m always grumpy. I’m constantly having obsessive thoughts. I don’t like this person. I know this isn’t all of me. I know who I truly am and how easy going, carefree and bubbly I can be. Am I just a product of my childhood and the environment I get myself in? God, just let me get back to me!
To my friends and family, know that I am aware of my behaviour, and I am really trying to do better. The chat with Elena legitimately made a significant difference in my life and I feel a change coming. It’s getting to a point where when the voice start, I take charge and tell them to shut the fuck up! It works. But still I must ask, please be patient with me, and please don’t give up on me. Besides, if the last few weeks of 2019 counts for anything, it should be a wonderful, joyful and very full of love new year. Watch this space.