July 27^th, 2008.

The first time we broke up, it was on bad terms. We fought even after we went on that ‘break.’ We basically called each other all sorts of swear words and despised one another a lot after it. But we were so determined to stay friends and be in each others lives that we were willing to live with all the negative energy we were producing collectively. That first time we broke up, he had friends call me, calling me stupid for living my life and going out with friends, and having a social life. We were ‘broken-up’ and I went out to a club once, with my friends. But it was a crime in their eyes. They thought I’d forget about him and move on. It was ridiculous how much others got involved.
This time, we spoke about it; just the two of us. We were adults about it.
He was due to come over as like every Sunday, but the days leading up to this day were awkward, mainly silent, and exhaustively emotional. I bought the ring in good faith that we would just add another bandage to our unhealable wound. I was going to give it to him today, no matter what.
We tried, we tried harder than what we should, but we woke up and we did what we should have done a long time ago. This time, we did it in person in front of my house, sitting against the brick fence that sealed my home like a castle. With only a couple of weeks out from our two years, we cried it out; he more than me. We said we’d always love each other.
‘I’m sure that we can be better friends than we can be boyfriend and girlfriend,’ I said trying to convince him that this was the best decision. He didn’t have much to say. He was sobbing uncontrollably. ‘This was toxic and it always was.’ I did more talking. ‘You’re a great guy, if not the best guy I know and you deserve so much better.’ His reply reminded me of the guy I first met.
He told me, ‘you’ll find someone. I’ll always be alone. I’ll never find anybody as good as you.’ That made me cry the most. We hugged tightly. He always had the most comforting hugs, but I felt like I needed to give one more than him. It was the closest I ever felt to him. We let everything out in the open and though it was miserable and sad, it was the truth, and it was going to be the freest we’ve ever been.
I gave him the ring because I wanted him to know I was always going to be there for him. I didn’t want to lose out on a great friend, especially one that was hurting so much. When I think about it now, that too, was another one of my selfish acts. I should have let him go entirely. He needed to heal without me. I knew I was going to be okay. But, I was so worried about him. I thought if I gave him the ring it will give him the support he needed.
He jumped into his car and went home. We would drift apart, slowly but surely.
It was a Sunday. Sunday’s were our day. It was our last Sunday spent together.

April 4^th, 2009.

Even after breaking up for good, on what we thought was good terms, we still fought. We’d speak, but rarely. And when we did speak, I was being the psychotic ex-girlfriend who still wanted him to want me but I’d never want him. I had no idea how a guy who wanted me so badly for so long, who finally got me, can all of sudden just not want me at all anymore. It felt unusual to me.
Photos started to appear on his Facebook of him and his very close female friend. You know? The one that wore his jumper in the photo I found on his phone. So, it seemed as though they had gotten closer since we broke up. She broke up with her long term boyfriend, also. They were very close friends, but never intimate. I asked him, too.
‘Yeah, we hang out and see each other a fair bit.’ Both with no future prospects or steady jobs, it wasn’t like they had much else to do than be with each other. She was a beautiful girl with high standards. I knew it wouldn’t be more than a brother/sister type friendship. Regardless, I hated their closeness so much.
‘A girl like that would not be with a guy like me. Relax!’ he would say to be constantly, proving to me that he was still the same insecure guy I first met. ‘When we broke up, she was the one that helped me and tried to get my mind off of you.’ Yeah, tried to get his mind off of me by taking him out clubbing and doing all the things he hated doing with me, like going to the beach over the summer just passed. He hated the sand. She even took him to her tattoo artist to get another tattoo. I was infuriated by how much they were doing with each other. And, just to make matters worse, he revealed to me that she was trying to set him up with one of her friends. I was losing a battle, but I wasn’t ready to lose the war.
I had known things were tough at home during one of our very few, more calm conversations. His younger sister was in and out of the family home, often staying at a boyfriend’s house which the family did not like. His dad was starting to see another woman, but he was still not over his mother leaving them and he wasn’t ready for his father to move on. His dad was also still hassling him about work and money on top of all the other issues he had going on. He was doing it tough and I wasn’t making it easier either. He would go to this girl’s house and hang out with her because he didn’t want the drama he was dealing with at home. I understand that now, but I didn’t want to understand it then.
He wrote a status on Facebook about how he was feeling, but he had done it in a discreet way so that only people that knew his circumstance would understand. He did it with song lyrics. So, I left a comment on the status, letting him know I was there for him no matter what the situation with us. Everybody else was making fun. He didn’t really give me an appreciative reply. He kind of shrugged me off. I lost it. I used everything I had against him. I messaged him privately.
‘I thought you’d feel good that at least one person realised what you meant by that status since everybody else wanted to make fun of you, instead of asking what it may have been about. I asked you to call me the other day. I’m still waiting. I’m trying to be the best friend you deserve as hard as I possibly can, but since, and I quote, you see her ‘a fair bit’, and you’re, quote, ‘seeing a friend’ of hers, you have plenty of other people to fall back on instead of me, I guess. Isn’t that true? Just don’t forget who was there for you the most when it was all happening; talking to you about things that would help get it all off your mind, letting you vent on the phone in the middle of the night, messaging you letting you know I was here. When all that shit happened with your mum, it was me who ‘pulled you through’. Oh, that was a quote, as well! Yeah, you said it to me and I’ll never forget it. Get your priorities straight, or forget about this so called friendship all together. Either way, I don’t care! Later.
P.S. A quote she can tell you, ‘I must really care then.’ Yes, she said that about me.’
I never trusted him around her and despite breaking up for good this time, I still didn’t. I was still the jealous girl I was when I was with him. I didn’t want to be with him. I just wanted him to care for me, because it seemed like he had stopped completely. It seemed like he was more willing to erase me than to try and have a decent friendship. I didn’t understand.
The only other times we’d speak were when he’d have something to say about my football team. He went for my team’s arch rivals. It irritated me when he did that.

August 1^st, 2009.

My best friend from high school was celebrating her twenty-first birthday. She was also still very close friends with him. They both loved basketball and that’s pretty much what helped their friendship going.
Her twenty-first would be the first time I’d see him since the night we broke up.
At this point in time, I was into another guy who I was seeing a lot of. He had bought me a Swarovski bracelet for my birthday earlier in the year, and I wore that to her birthday.
We were drunk. Everybody was drinking and why not? She had a free cocktail bar. Drinking was another thing he adopted after me, in a recreational way, I mean. He wasn’t a fan of alcohol when going out, but he had had a bit this night.
He and I spoke a little and I mentioned the guy I was ‘seeing.’ I don’t know how cool with it he was, but I was rubbing it in his face. I was even flirting with my friend’s brother’s mate. I went as low as mentioning the bracelet he got me to emphasis our closeness. I wanted him to feel the jealousy I felt.
I don’t know what came over me, but I was being relentless. I don’t know how else to describe it. I wanted him to know that I was happier and better off. He never hurt me, he never treated me badly, but for some reason he still needed to pay. He was laughing and happy. He was teaching the older guests dance moves; not very good ones, to say the least. I was dancing and chatting to everybody. Thankfully my cousin was there too, so I had that bit of support.
I remember at one point he had leaned over from behind me, and popped his head in between me and my cousin as we sat. As his head floated there in between our heads with a cheeky grin on his face, I kissed him on the cheek. I didn’t know why I did that, but from then his mood changed. He was more mellow for the rest of the time that I was there. I was still determined to make sure he knew I was the best thing he had and it was over for good. Dumb isn’t enough to describe my actions. I was a bitch.
I had plans to leave a little earlier so that I could meet up with the guy was into. I also mentioned that to him.
I left. We wouldn’t see each other again for ages.

December 1^st, 2010.

After a year with absolutely no communication what so ever, I sent him a lengthy private message on Facebook.
‘I’m sorry this might be a little random. But please hear me out.
The last couple of years have been really hard on me. I’ve gone through depression and back. I’ve been so badly hurt by so many people. Everything just seems and continues to seem as though it’s breaking down and falling apart. So, with all that I’ve started to really re-evaluate my life and have had some what of a spiritual awakening. I wanted to go into the new year with a clean slate. I just want to start over. I want to cleanse myself of all the negativity that’s within me. I’m not a bad person, but I feel like I’ve done bad things and I should be apologetic about them. Hopefully with forgiveness from others and within myself, I can start building new bridges and fix broken ones.
Firstly, I’m doing this by apologising to people I feel like I may have hurt in the past.
So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for never meaning the words ‘I love you’, for wasting your time for almost two years, for lowering your already low self-esteem, for being an absolute bitch when I should have had your back. I was a terrible girlfriend to you, and you never deserved it. You’re a great guy with so much love to give. You have a big heart; a heart of gold. You deserve all the greatest things in life.
I wish you all the best in the future with anything you do.
There is no need to reply, I just really wanted to say I’m sorry. I hope you can see it in your heart to forgive me and know that regardless what time does to us, that I still consider you a friend, and will have your back where I can.
I really appreciate you reading this.’
I sat back, read my message again, and though I said there was no need for a reply, his acknowledgment of me trying to move on and better myself was still very important for my healing.
It didn’t take long for him to reply.
‘Wow. I wasn’t expecting that. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear all that. Forgiveness, I think is a major part of healing so, of course I forgive you. It also helps me heal. That would have taken a lot to say. I really appreciate it.’

Today.

I was a dumb girl because I treated a good guy the wrong way. I was dumb because I should have done the correct ‘right thing’ from the beginning and followed my instinct. I knew that I was wasting our time. I knew he wasn’t the one and that I wasn’t the one for him. I should have never let it get to that point. But, I needed to be that dumb girl so that I could be better, so that I could grow, and so I could see how good of a person I could be. He wasn’t the only one that was sent one of those messages that day. I felt I mistreated a few good friends and a few family members, so they received one too. It was all positively received and it was just one of the many actions I took that led the path to my recovery. I am not the same person I was back then.
After my lengthy message to him, it was like I did my bit to heal myself and God opened a new door for me. It was the end of that December in 2010 that my now fiancé and I started our first stages of dating. When one door closes, another always opens. It’s true.
We are both better off where we are today.
I’ve had to see him a couple of times because his line of work brings him into my line of work, but to me at least, it has never been awkward. It’s always nice to see him. We greet each other and small talk like old mates. So, he’s got himself a steady job.
In 2016, he married an incredible woman who I know treats him better than I ever did or would. I have had some conversations with her too, and she is very level headed and a pleasant soul. I could not be happier for him and them. When people are decent humans, regardless if you didn’t have such a great experience with them and you caused those issues, they always deserve the best. He got his best. A little bit inside me wishes we could double date. I can only imagine the banter and laughs.
I’m a firm believer of everything happens for a reason and the results prove that this is exactly how it was meant to be. We both needed to learn something from each other. I needed to learn about myself more and that sometimes it was okay to be selfish in order to not harm others. He needed to learn that he did have self-worth and was worthy of true love. We learned our lessons, and now we are better for it. I know that because when I see him now, it’s all positive and pleasant and there are never any hard feelings.
I read an article the other day that said, ‘date someone who treats you like shit.’ The point of the article is that if you date someone who treats you like shit once, you will know your value. I think he needed that before me, because the next guy I’d see was my ‘shit’ experience. The one after me for him was his one.
If he ever reads this, I want him to know, I am still sorry, and I’ll always hold him in high regard.

So go ahead, make your mistakes, but if you can avoid hurting people for your own needs and wants along the way, it’ll be a greater outcome. However, there is one fact I cannot stress enough. Follow your gut instinct. It’s hardly ever wrong and everything will be greater in the long run.