Well, 2022 ended up being not so bad. Considering how dramatic the past two years were, thankfully, this year was a bit on the boring side. Not because nothing happened. Plenty happened. But it’s probably not even worthy of one of these. But, let’s see what word vomit I can get on this page… this is how I initially wrote the intro to this years roundup. But the last few weeks of the year have been nothing short of stressful, sad and heavy to the heart. You’ll have to wait until next years review for a bit more detail. I wasn’t going to bother posting this, but there are a few quotes and messages in here I’m proud of and I thought were important to mention.

In fact, and I’ll get this out of the way right now. We don’t even have to mention the C word, because basically, we forgot it even existed. The C word being Covid, by the way. Despite some still trying to make it a big deal, I think it’s safe to say a lot of us didn’t care anymore. And rightly so. It’s now treated as a normal flu, and the pandemic was basically declared over by end of the year. So, that’s all on that subject.

I went back to full time work. A structure change in the company occurred around April, and a big opportunity looking forward came my way, so I had no real choice. I’m a natural born leader. I have so much to give and of course, so much to learn. So with this somewhat promotion, it was going to lead to bigger and better things, and it wasn’t an opportunity I wanted to miss. And the bigger and better opportunity came. I got the promotion I’ve been longing for, in September. Yes, it came with a loss of a beloved colleague who left the company with her head held high, but I’ve reached the goal I gave myself coming back from maternity leave last June, by gaining a managerial status. This did mean moving stores and spending less time with the colleagues who had basically become family. But I also had to do this for my actual family. The constant pressures of the cost of living is a tiny bit easier now.

Nevertheless, with that, comes the constant need to ensure my home and family’s needs are met. So when I come home from work, I don’t just shower and eat, and possibly relax. Like many full time working mums would know, it’s cooking, it’s cleaning, it’s taking care of kids. We love doing it, but boy, it’s a lot. You have to find the gaps between finishing work and picking up the kids to do the house stuff. And then when you have the kids, it’s full time attention on them, while waiting for the partner to get home so that you can handball the kids, so then you can continue doing the house stuff. I’m exhausted. I haven’t felt this tired ever in my life. It’s next level. About June, my body finally gave in to my go-go life, and I lost my voice for a few days. A blessing for some, I know. I was so run down. I never call in sick to work, even in this post-pandemic world, I don’t see the point if I believe I can keep going. And I actually felt fine. I only lost my voice. But after two days of being a tough bitch, I finally let myself have a day of rest. No Harry either. Mum guilt, of course took over. But it needed to be done. And though I still had things to do, it didn’t feel like I had to rush through them.

Speaking of mum guilt, I started saying yes more somewhere around mid-year. I mean, 80% of my motherhood experience so far has been under Covid restrictions, so that helped with not having to book concerts, theatre, or just outings with friends. This year we were freer to do more, so despite having that guilt, I still needed to feel like me every so often and do those things I loved before Harry came along. I even went to the footy for the first time in at least 8 years. I had some outings with work mates I probably would have said no to a year ago. It’s sad that it’s seen as a negative or a big deal when a mum wants to just do things for herself. You lose yourself if you don’t. So, despite being completely conscious of the fact that I have a kid, and having to rely on the kindness of my mother in-law and mum to take care of Harry if my husband is still at work, or he too is out with me, I refuse to say no, too often. I don’t want to give up on doing the things I love, and I won’t.

When it comes to the kid himself… boy, this toddler stage is hard. You get warned about it, and when it finally becomes your turn to deal with it, you start to ponder when does it get easier? Harry is still a sensitive, thoughtful and polite child. He’s an old beautiful soul, I’m convinced. But just like most 2 year olds, the minute they turn 2, its war. It’s the constant change of mind, it’s the relentlessness to fight for something they don’t know if they want or not, it’s the crying about something they can’t comprehend. Of course, I understand it’s all developmental and children don’t know how to articulate emotions at this age. It’s fact, it’s perfectly healthy, but being on the other end, I can only describe it as hard. And then, he turns to me in the middle of the night, says “mummy”, leans over and kisses me on the cheek, and then puts himself back to sleep. I just have to hold on to those adorable moments we have. The tantrums will end, but I hope those loving moments don’t.

Change of pace now. You know what the problem is about being gaslit your entire life, and only just realising in recent years, that’s what was happening to you? You now just think everyone is gaslighting you. It’s legit, post traumatic stress. And then you have this constant battle between, “no way. I have a point” because you promised yourself you wouldn’t let anyone walk all over you anymore, and “maybe they’re right” because you’re so fucked up by your past that maybe it’s just your trust issues that are deciding for you. But one simple, normal, every day activity can open avenues you never thought of before. The act of listening. Whether good or bad feedback. Criticism or a compliment. It’s crazy how much you can develop if you just listen. I spent most of my early twenties, like most, 20 something year olds, thinking that I knew better. Thinking that I had a good grasp on life. I mean, I had to deal with a lot of big feelings growing up, so I always felt mature for my young age. And so when I got to my adulthood, I made up for missing out on my childhood while pretending my life experience made me mature enough. But if my early thirties have shown me anything, is that I knew fuck all. Works helped me realise that. So much was and has been expected from me. I thought I was nailing it. After years of being given advise that once offended me, I’m now using that advise to strengthen me. And I’ve taken on that advice outside of work. If people are constantly telling you that you are a certain way, or how you’re approaching things isn’t exactly right, listen! Just listen. There are people out there genuinely looking out for you and your growth.

Speaking of growth… For those who keep up with my life story, and remember the latter part of ‘My 2021’, you will recognise where this next part comes from. I’ve reached a dangerous level of not giving a fuck. I’m on that level where I no longer care who wants to remain in my life. I’m on that level where I also really don’t mind cutting people out. You want to know what brought me to that level? The ones that gave me a lot less than I gave them. And that’s a multiple amount of people. More than there should’ve been. When this happens, anyone would eventually just go numb from caring. Besides the point. We are here now and it’s liberating. So, take this as a promise. Not a threat. Treat me as I deserve, respect my choices, and make a fucking effort, because I have no issue losing you. One chance is enough. Losing people just makes room for people who are ready to commit to you, and who you are right now. If you’re losing people, it’s because they no longer fit in with your newly evolved mentality, or what you represent, and you’re simply letting go of them together with the past you, you no longer connect with. In fact, we need a better word than losing, because you’re not losing anything. Let’s call it, shedding. I’ll leave you with this… You’re either with me, or in my way.

Building healthy boundaries has always been a massive issue for me. Because of the large amount of chances I give, because I only ever used to see the good in people, because I always felt like I had the capability to change people, I had no boundaries. But now, enough is enough. I’m numb and have no interest in giving more than I receive. And I’m not saying sorry where I don’t need to. I care deeply, I love passionately, but it is so much easier to find the fine line between what I give and what I get now. It’s a weapon I’m not afraid to use.

Those who have kept up with my little life journey would also know that I lost a bit of weight and was all about that Noom life, last year. I can proudly announce that after more than a year off the Noom program, I’m maintaining that mindset and holding steady to my current weight. Though I’d still like to reach my goal of 60kgs, I now know that for me, 64kgs is still good. I feel and look great and know what I have to do to hold on to that. But I also know what I need to do to get to 60kgs. I’m in no hurry to get there just yet, but will need to find the moment that is right to get there. Going back to full time work, plus now also having a child who doesn’t make a walk achievable, it’s not easy finding time for those walks I cherished so much. The gaps between work, housework, childcare and sleep cannot include a walk. I try to squeeze in Pilates when I have a day off, or during Harry’s naps, but my walks have almost vanished. Have you tried walking with a toddler, anyway? You can’t even count that as a proper calorie burning walk. Way too many stoppages because there are flowers, or a bus had driven passed, or wow! There’s a leaf on the floor, so we have to stop the analyse it.

No, I didn’t continue my reading journey. I’m so disappointed in that. I was really hoping for that to be a thing moving forward, but once again, it was a temporary spark to a fire that never burnt. Eh, I’ll save it for retirement. I promise. I’ll read then.

See! Nothing really happened, but a lot did at the same time. And without giving too much away right now, I might have some big news in My 2023, and I’ll explain why the last few weeks of 2022 got a bit heavy. Stay tuned.