August 16^th, 2008.

I spent most of my year so far, hanging out with friends and getting part-time work, just trying really hard to get him off my mind. My only memory of 2007 was him. He took up so much of it, that it was hard to not fully think about him. I had other guys try to chat-me up and what not, but he still played at the back of my mind.

In the months previous, I would receive random messages saying ‘hi,’ ‘I miss you,’ ‘please talk to me.’ I never replied. I felt dirty and every message felt fake. The last thing I wanted to do was give him the satisfaction of my acknowledgement of his presence.

January 4^th, 2009.

I was 18 now and my parents let me go down to the beach with a couple of my friends for a couple of nights stay. It’s the same beach a lot of people I know go to, so it’s not a difficult thing to cross paths with people you know, and people you wish you didn’t know.

We went down to the beach for a swim after 12pm, and alas, he messaged me. It read sorry this is random, but you wouldn’t happen to be at the beach, would you? I picked my head up from my phone and happened to look at the correct direction on the first go. There he was, staring at me from not even 10 metres away. I have no idea how I missed him, because if I did notice him, I would have avoided any chance of us crossing paths. He was staring with a smile. He decided to get up from his towel and walk over to me and my group of friends.

Conveniently for him I was in a bikini, my body was looking tight back then, and I had coconut oil all over. I hadn’t gone into the water yet, so my hair was still down and straight, divided to cover each of my breasts. He was going to get an eyeful of what he missed out on.

He said, ‘can you come for a walk down the beach with me for a minute?’
I hesitated, but I was interested in what he had to say. I also thought that if he was asking me for a walk, then quite possibly he wasn’t with his girlfriend anymore. I told myself I wasn’t going to fall through the traps this time. I got up and walked away with him.

‘You look amazing. You’ve grown up into such a beautiful woman. And strong, I can tell.’

I looked down at my feet shyly, and watched how each foot came further into my view. I pushed my hair behind my ears and told him, ‘thanks.’

‘I finally broke up with her. I’ve moved on.’
Last time we had spoken, he told me that he moved in with her because he had nowhere else to go. His parents kicked him out and he got fired from his job. The band wasn’t getting gigs anymore and he had lost all hope.
‘My dad let me move in with him after my parents separated last year, and my uncle got me a job with him at his fruit shop. I really feel like I’m getting it together. My uncle wants me to run the shop one day.’ With every new detail he gave me about his transformed life, he gave me the vibe that he was a changed man.

February 20^th, 2009.

And here we went again, with the texting and the ‘I want to see you more,’ and the ‘I miss you’ and the random acts of kindness, and the late night chats, and the random messages just to say hi and the deep interest in what we were doing and how our day was.

Then, that day, I got a call from a private number. It was the friend I had met that time he came to see me at the taekwondo class. He sounded distressed.

‘I am going to get in so much trouble, but I cannot sit back and watch this anymore. Please don’t tell him I told you any of this. You are such a sweet girl, young, and you do not deserve this shit.’ His voice sounded like there was sincere fear. ‘He is still with her and he still lives with her. He told you that he got a job with his uncle. That was the only thing he’s told you that’s true. And there’s something else. They’re engaged.’

From thinking that fate had brought back the one true love of my life, I went into complete laughter from humiliation. I knew then more than ever, that he was never going to be mine. I was so angry, but I didn’t feel sorry for myself. I wasn’t even heartbroken. I was just so mad at myself for being so dumb. I didn’t want him to get away with it. I instantly called him.

‘So, you’re living with your dad, you got a new good job, you’ve moved on from your ex-girlfriend and it turns out you’re still the biggest fucking liar and cheater the world has ever known. I know what’s really going on, you do not need to explain yourself because, though it took a couple of times, I know the sort of person you are and I do not deserve to be treated like a side bitch. Why do you keep cheating on your girlfriend, oh, wait, sorry, fiancé, with someone who cannot offer you shit? You’re pathetic.’ He was stunned by my pure bluntness that he was left speechless. All he could say in return was, ‘I’m a fuck up.’

Today.

I never heard from him again the minute I hung up that phone. I never found out what happened to him and whether he got married in the end. I guess if he did, I’m not exactly the only dumb girl in this story.

I guess an outsider would think of me as a young and naïve girl, and common sense would tell you that a girl at that age wouldn’t know any better, and you’re more inclined to have sympathy for me because my first taste at what I thought was love, turned out to be horrific. When I look back now, I’m more persuaded to say that I was just young and dumb.

To all the girls out there who are still very young and think they are in love; a very small number of girls under 18, who met a guy at that age, are likely to still be with them up until the end; a very small number. We do not know what love is at that age. Well, at least we don’t know what love is when it comes to relationships. What it is, at that age, is just fascination and excitement over the fact that a guy is being attentive to you. For, let’s say, 1 out of a million girls, its actual love and I don’t have to be a statistician to research and discover that. It is not common for a 50 year old woman/man, to be with the man/woman they were with when they were 16. Another thing that is very rare, are cheaters not cheating again.

For me, at the time when I found out everything, yes I was devastated as anyone could imagine. In that moment it hurts, but you will look back after several years and laugh at yourself. How dumb you were. I learned to read the signs and not to have high hopes over people changing. What this experience gave me was strength within myself to be more resilient. I truly believe in the idea of ‘everything happens for a reason’. Whether it is a good lesson or bad lesson at the time, each experience makes you wiser. While these lessons teach you about yourself, you’re actually also learning more about the other person in your story.

I never got an apology or even an explanation as to why he continuously cheated on his girlfriend for someone who could not offer him anything. Did he feel lonely in a relationship with a woman his own age, forcing him to source companionship with a girl younger than him, who he knew would devote a lot of effort and energy into him? Was he bored with her and trying to find something better and more exciting when I conveniently entered his life at the right time? Did he already have a reputation as a player I knew nothing about? Did he genuinely have feelings for me and just didn’t know how to make it all work without hurting anybody, whilst keeping what he truly wanted? I’ll never know, and that’s okay. Not every question you have in these situations is meant to be answered, because eventually they become irrelevant to your life.

This isn’t a Cinderella story where I tell you all I have found the man of my dreams and we’re currently madly in love with each other. I was with someone several years after him and I was with the recent ex-boyfriend for 6 years. I did believe I found the man for me, but let me tell you that story another time. I’m not done with love. I’m a true romantic and although he wasn’t it, I know that I will find the one who I will be everything to. But, in saying that, my first goal is to learn to love myself first, and learn to not rely on needing someone and them needing me. Needing each other leads to disaster, and I hope I can learn that during my, hopefully, final chance at love.

– – –

I’d like to thank the brave young lady who inspired this story. She is another example of ‘we live and we learn.’ True to the DOADG code, the subjects of this story remain anonymous, because the message itself is all the names you need. I hope her story reminds you of your own, inspires you for your future love endeavour, or assists you in your current love story.

We all have a story to tell when it comes to the boy or girl that hurt us. You too can be part of the Diary of a Dumb Girl family. Just leave your email address in the comments option below and I’ll get in contact with you for more information.